WARNING: The following article may be considered offensive by those who consider themselves to be music lovers. If you think that something talented music-wise has ever come out of Canada, this may not be a suitable article to read.

Canadians sure seem to be proud of their music heritage. I found a site that talks about how great every single frickin’ music who harks from the Maple Leaf on a flag touting country really is. Well, I’ve got news for you. This is laughable. This is absolutely ridiculous.

I’ll start off slowly, because I want to build to a big finish here. And when you get to the end you will see what I mean. So, grab a fork and dig into this, a little slab of Canadian bacon, err ham.

Corey Hart - Never Surrender, I Wear My Sunglasses At Night, et al. This guy came to prominence in the 80’s. He rode his popularity as far as it would go. Personally, I never understood why the teenaged girls around me liked this guy. Maybe they thought he was one of the two Coreys (Feldman/Haim). If he had been, he would have a slight bit more credibility than he did in the music industry, but not much. Remember “Dream A Little Dream”?

The Crash Test Dummies - 3 words. Mmm, mmm, mmm. 3 more words? One hit wonder. Even more? No fucking talent.

The Tragically Hip - Who are these guys? All I hear is how great they are. The few songs friends have played for me have sucked. What are they supposed to be anyway? I have no idea. Find a frickin’ identity. This isn’t a frickin’ salad bar, ok? Stick to one style and be done.

April Wine - HAHAHAHAHAHA! Every stoner I went to high school with talked about how great these guys were. Just another boring, idiotic, retarded rock band that sounds like everything else. The one thing they have going for them is they are not Rush.

Shania Twain - I really have nothing to say here. She has a great voice and is very fun to look at. One problem I do have is, well, another with an identity crisis. Pick…a…genre…you…damned…Canucks…

Bryan Adams - This guy is the Corey Hart that made it. But instead of sticking with what got him going in the first place, straight pop rock, he decides he wants to follow the movie balladeer movement. So, instead of being somewhat credible he ends up looking like an old, boring sap. And do something about those acne scars. Please.

Paul Shaffer - Goof.

Alanis Morrisette - Oh boy. Here we go. What is this chick so pissed about? No one that young should be filled with so much anger towards men. They’re just men. Please, for the sake of all humanity, get over it. It’s not that big of a deal to get dumped. It’s something you have to learn at some point in your life.If nothing else, become a lesbian.

What probably happened was the lights came on during that moment of passion and he got a real good look. I actually met this girl once. She ain’t all that, but seemed to think she was. Yet she is supposed to be this angst ridden female. I thought they were supposed to be down to earth. I guess that’s what being a teen star on “You Can’t Do That On Television” will do to you. I mean, with all that green crap poured on you I guess I would be pissed off too.

Rush - How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 5. 1 to screw the light bulb in and 4 to tell him how much better Neil Pert would have done it.

Talk about egomaniacal. I have no problem with musicians showing off their chops. I think every member of the Dave Matthews Band is incredible and tasteful. But do we really need 5 minute drum solos, 5 minute guitar solos and 5 minute bass solos in a song?

Everyone that I know that likes this band asks me the same thing when I say I can’t stand them. “What is it that you don’t like?”. Well, Geddy Lee’s voice for one. That is the most nasal, high-pitched voice I have ever heard. It’s annoying and grating. I tried getting into them for the sake of my friends. That is an impossible undertaking right there.

Every song does not need to be an epic. I don’t care how prog rock you are. A song should be enjoyable to hear. It may start out fine, but it ultimately leads to the same thing. Overdone. Overdone. And bad.

Now I admit that Neil Pert is a really good drummer. And I can see where YYZ amazes most people. It amazes me. But frankly, I don’t care. Slow down will ya? Keep a solid steady beat. And for fuck’s sake, fire that singer. Seriously.

I could have gone on and on about Canadian musicians, but you get the idea. I did leave out Celine Dion, but do I really need to say anything about her?

Question of the week: Is spam considered fiber? It sure makes me have to poop.