Okay, this is pretty much for my enjoyment and nothing else...it's 6am, I had some shit happen to me last night, I'm bored, I'm wide awake, and I really need to laugh...so this is what you get. I know I said that I was done with music here (except for news), but I'm in the mood to get all sarcastic and mean and shit, so whatever.

Here's how this is going to work, I'm going to give you a link to a review I did earlier this year, then I'm going to post all of the comments I received about said article. After each comment, I'm going to offer up my retort. This is a one-off deal because there's really nothing to work with as far as my other reviews go...I guess I could probably do this for some of my regular articles, but I have chosen not to dignify most of those comments. Enjoy!

Way back on April 9, 2001, I did a less-than-glowing review of the self-titled American Hi-Fi album...you can read it here. The fact that I'll like to something I wrote, but won't link to this band's site should speak volumes as to how much I dislike them. Apparently some people took issue with what I had to say about this god-awful band and decided to say something about it. Since I'm kind enough to share MY email address with the world, I'll be a dick and provide the email addresses of those who commented (2 hotmail addresses, 2 AOL addresses, and something from Canada...that should tell you exactly what kind of people we're dealing with). Comments are in italics, my responses will be normal text.

First up, we've got this from Chris Zimbaldi:
(Title: Good Review) "If I said that was a good review, I was really, really, really drunk or fucking kidding. The band is not the best in the world, but I?m sure they are better than any shit music you could possible make. You are a faggot and I hope you realize as much."

Now, the first problem I've got with Mr. Zimbaldi is the fact that he's severely in need of some creativity...that whole bit about being 'really, really drunk or fucking kidding', he stole that from the article itself. I don't mind being insulted, nor do I have a problem with people disagreeing with what I have to say, but people who can't think for themselves shouldn't be allowed to put words on websites. As far as the quality of music that I may or may not have made in my life...I played cello for 5 years, and while I wasn't the best cellist in the world, I'm pretty safe in saying that if I had a choice between listening to old tapes of me rehearsing and listening to the AHF album again, I'd go with the tapes...and so would most people I know. Concerning the juvenile allegations that were made in reference to my sexual preference...I'm not a homosexual, good sir, and if I were, I'd have probably written numerous articles detailing the trials and tribulations that I would have suffered...but I mention dating women quite often, so I guess your theory is baseless.

Next up, we've got Liz:
(Title: Hahaha...) "That was one of the funniest reviews I've read in a long time... and I don't know if you were trying to be funny or not, but a lot of it was just so true, it was hilarious. I recently saw while they were on tour with, none other than, OUR LADY PEACE! lol, although never, in a million years, would I have guessed OLP, Everclear, and Oasis as what they sound like... because I am a fan of all three, yet not a fan of AHF. A majority of their songs do sound the same, you're right... I tried listening to the album multiple times during a short period, and I tried listening to it once every couple of days. Nothing helped, lol, still didn't care for it. The lyrics weren't anything special, nothing too mind-blowing... the music was all right, not the best, not the worst... and Stacy's (that's his name, right?) vocals, after the first few songs, get on your nerves. I can handle him for a few songs at a time, but after a while, I start to tune out the cd, as I'd rather listen to myself typing on the keyboard while banging my head against it at the same time."

I like Liz. She is okay in my book, even if she did admit to liking these guys even just a little.

And here we've got some words of wisdom from Casey Sutherland:
(Title: [b]WRONG[/b]) "This Article is totally wrong, American Hi-Fi is one of the greatest groups to come alone in a long time. I am sick and tired of the 50 groups that copy limp bizkit and eminem, or that other stuff that today's media projects as cool. All the songs on American Hi-Fi's album are really good, and you can tell them apart. At least they're singing about something that actually matters, Instead of Money, violence, or sex. They are brining back the good lyrics and sound to music and you all should be glad there is a group like this!"

Poor Casey, he really wants to sound like he knows what the fuck he's talking about...the part about 'media projects' had me laughing for 10 minutes. This guy obviously doesn't get away from MTV much, because he honestly seems to think that the lyrics are not only enjoyable, but a resurrection of the 'good old days' when bands used to sing about things that mattered! This means that Casey has never heard of bands like Built To Spill, Boy's Life, NOFX, Elliott Smith or Wilco. He appreciates their musical abilities too, which, I'll admit, are better than Blink 182's or Sum 41's, but still nothing to write home about...formulaic and boring are the words I'd use. Casey gets points for knocking Eminem and Limp Bizkit, though...but loses most of them for missing my point entirely.

This next specimen is odd, but I'll comment on it anyway...this is brought to you by the master linguist William...or, Wicked Willy, if you will!
(Title: you're right, the offspring suck hard) "no others."

I like Willy the Wicked because of the fact that he got to the point and didn't bother trying to overstate his feelings on the matter. The Offspring do suck...well, they suck now, at least...they were actually pretty fucking good back in the early 90s, particularly with the albums 'The Offspring' and 'Ignition'. I guess he didn't get the fact that I was praising Oasis, Everclear and Our Lady Peace...but I don't really make sense most of the time, so I guess it's an honest mistake on his part.

Last, but not least...we've got my favorite response of them all! This one comes to us by way of an AOL'er named Brooke.

(Title: AHF is freaking awesome) "Ok, everyone that thinks AHF sucks can kiss my white ass, they are one of the best bands that i have seen in a while, and in case you havent noticed, they actually CAN play instruments and can write music..thats what is all about, and it all about taste, and I am sorry for you if you cant see that in music...ANY music. I bet you wanted them to sound more like Nsync or some crap like that, AHF has their own personal sound and agenda, thats whats cool about them, I have personally met them, and they are cool guys, they care about their fan base and want to keep a reality with them, who else can you say that about now a days??? I am thinking...NO ONE! AHF has a great chance to be something way more then a one hit wonder, they have the potential to be a great band, that is where they are headed, they are awsome and anyone that disagrees is entitled to that opnion, but it couldnt be farther from the truth. Bye all."

Where to start...where to start? The title of the post bothers me, because she goes out of her way to say 'freaking' instead of 'fucking'...she then immediately turns to 'ass' in reference to what people who don't agree with her can kiss. It's a white ass, too, but I'm not surprised...teenaged white girls IS the target demo for bands like AHF (see also Sum 41, Blink 182 and Juliana Theory). This poor delusional soul goes on to make clear the fact that this is one of the best bands she's seen in a while...what this means is that she's only seen the one video, doesn't actually own the album, and believes everything that MTV tells her to believe. She IS right about the fact that the band can write songs and play their own instruments...but she fails to let us know as to whether or not they do either with any modicum of skill. But writing your own songs and playing your own instruments is apparently what music and taste are all about...and she feels sorry for me because I can't see that...not just with this form of 'music', but ANY music at all. That's a very flawed statement, and if the dumb bitch ever bothered to read anything else I ever reviewed, she'd know very well that I've got wonderful taste in music...but then, she'd have to admit the fact that she has shitty taste in music, and she's only 20 or 21 and was probably a cheerleader in HS, so she's probably not capable of such things. I bet she's a campus slut by now. She's met them...right, sure she has. You know what? I've met several bands in my day, and even the local ones printing albums using their own money had more talent, personality and skill than AHF...hands down. Covering the last few bits...they care about their fan base...they have a great chance to be a great band and be more than a one hit wonder...they are awesome...anyone who disagrees is wrong...and she says bye to MY readers. Bitch please! They suck as badly as the Backstreet Boys or N'sync or Christina Aguilera or (name of MTV pop icon)...the fact that their SECOND single off of the album was played on the radio for little more than one week and never saw the light of day on EITHER video channel (that I know of) just goes to prove that they ARE a one hit wonder, and their only success was garnered from their self-prophesy of a single...I disagree with almost everything you've said, and I'm pretty damn sure that I'm right...and don't ever address my readers personally again...get your own site for that shit.

Ahhhhh...the memories of crappy music are flooding back to me as I type this. But at least I got a good laugh out of it. Until next time...don't presume to be able to tell me what good music is if you watch MTV or listen to the radio more than 3 hours a week.